Remembering My Childhood Food Battles:
I was messaging with a client of mine, just now, and this memory flashed into my mind…
I remember sitting in my childhood bathtub shower shaving my legs and talking to myself. Rather, I remember beating the crap out of myself. I thought my thighs were fat. And I was telling myself that if I could figure out how to make them skinnier THEN a guy would like me and think I was cute.
I remember this like it was yesterday.
I was around the age of twelve. My loving mother had already had a ‘maybe you need to go on a diet’ talk with me. I was ashamed and full of self hate.
I hated my thighs.
I hated my body.
I look back now at the photos of that time in my life. I was chubby. But even more than chubby I see how my face and my eyes look swollen. Now, knowing all that I know about health, I see that part of my issue was that I was inflammed.
I remember being constipated. I remember headaches. I remember fatigue.
I remember fighting the food battles.
I remember intense food cravings.
I remember telling myself, “just figure it out… then You, Chandra, will be loved”.
I battled food for a decade, I rode the food rollercoaster, I deprived myself until I caved and over-stuffed myself. It felt like a hell that I would never escape.
I thought there was something terribly wrong with both myself and my body. I remember thinking, “what is wrong with me?”
If I could go back now and hold that twelve year old self of mine I would tell her this: “Chandra, you are 100% lovable exactly how you are, big thighs and all. Chandra you have not done anything wrong; Chandra I love you. Chandra, beating yourself up for how you are in this moment is NOT going to help you, in fact it is only going to make you spiral more, eat worse, and make you gain more weight. Chandra, the first step is accepting what is and LOVING yourself no matter what; from here you will have the ability to learn about what foods will help your body function properly. Chandra, those foods are not what mainstream Americans define as food. Chandra those foods are not what the paid commercials on your kid’s tv are telling you to eat. I know it is confusing, and I am sorry for that. Chandra the foods that you need to focus on eating are organic vegetables, whole grains, proteins, and good fats. Chandra, I know everyone around you is eating sugar, flour, and even drinking alcohol… these are the foods that cause inflammation and weight gain. These are the addictive foods that profit big business and undermine every human’s health.
…Chandra IF you want to help you body out… then focus your mind on loving yourself and eating foods that nourish your body.”
I am so grateful that I have “figured out” the foods that serve my body.
My thighs are not perfect AND I am not swollen nor inflammed. I no longer am constipated, bloated, over-weight, over-eat, addicted to foods that cause inflammation, nor do I suffer from eczema.
AND… I love myself unconditionally!