The Love Aha That Saved My Relationship
Love is such a hot and sometimes painful topic. I have a love aha story today that will knock your socks off or at least one that knocked my socks off AND saved my relationship.
I was talking to a client of mine who recently decided to end a relationship. He believes that she is not the one for him. Yet, he feels conflicted because he is still attracted to her. He does not love her but he feels desire her.
Love and Desire are Emotions
His desire for her is coming from his thoughts, not chemistry like so many of us believe. If he keeps thinking about all the things he finds attractive about her then his desires will continue.
He asked, “So I should think about all the bad things about her?”
I replied, “Well, start with simply noticing which thoughts you are thinking when you are feeling desire and realize the desire is coming from your thoughts.”
Awareness itself is empowering. Desire is not the problem, it is feeling that the desire is happening to him which is the problem.
I also proposed that he could choose to love her, if he wanted, by focusing his thoughts.
He asked me if I had ever tried this out in my life. So I shared my story about using my mind to re-fall in love with my partner.
Is Love a Choice?
I have been with my man for nearing six years, for my Burner friends out there, we met Burning Man 2014.
Five years into our relationship, almost exactly a year ago, I realized that I was feeling rather grumpy and a bit resentful.
I had gotten into a rather dark place in my head about our relationship. We had a baby, I was exhausted, and I was kinda concerned about our relationship. I would even say that I was feeling a mild state of constant stress. I was battling in my head, creating negative emotions in my body.
Love is Feeling that is Created in our Brains
I learned this concept about love from one of my teachers Brooke Castillo and I applied her concept to my relationship.
I started looking at my thoughts about my man and our relationship.
The stories I had in my head were that he did not appreciate me and that he had not changed emotionally as fast and as much as I had wanted.
I also had this funny bit, that every time he ate an apple, which is often a few every day, he would always leave the apple stem. Every time I found and threw away the apple stem, I ranted in my head about how he takes me for granted and expects me to clean up after him.
And then I thought back to how I felt (and thought) about him the first year we were together. I remember feeling so in-love and regularly thinking that I was the luckiest girl in the world.
I questioned myself. What had changed?
I had a massive and instant aha.
My man had not changed, if he did it was only for the better.
But my thoughts had changed, for the dark side.
An apple stem was sitting on the counter near me when I realized this:
I had all the power to change how I felt by shifting my thoughts.
I decided then and there that every time he left an apple stem, to believe it was a love note saying, “I love you.”
I decided to focus on everything wonderful and amazing about him.
I decided to stop focusing on what was not good enough.
My relationship with him changed practically overnight. And my love has been re-growing ever since.
Desire and love are created in our brains.
Every emotion is created in our brains.
Not only stress and all the negative emotions, but love and desire also come from our thoughts.
Love is always an option. I am now on a constant thought watch, focusing my brain.
This thought-watch is mental management.
Which emotions are you choosing?